Donny D Finds His Chi: A Dozen Mindless Musings From the End of Mad Men

Spoiler Alert Gauge: High (Like Roger Sterling at a Free Love Rally)

1. Don Draper may prefer blondes, but Dick Whitman prefers brunettes with daddy issues.

2. I can’t be the only one who hopes Lou Avery gets eaten by Godzilla, suddenly develops a life-threatening allergy to raw fish or upsets the wrong samurai.

3. Despite the pale rodent that inexplicably began growing above his upper lip, Roger Sterling is a man who has aged extremely well. Really, check him out at a video rental store (now that’s nostalgia!).

4. Harry Crane Poor Choices List (Select The Most Appropriate):

                A. Crane championed the thought-melting, human sexuality-mutating computer that maliciously stole the nipple of Michael Ginsberg

                B. Crane turns his California work trip into an orgy of adultery

                C. Always the teacher, Crane tells Megan Draper that the best way for an actress to get work in Hollywood is on her back or her knees. Crane then graciously offers to be her first test subject. When this proposition backfires, Crane asserts the whole thing was Megan’s idea.

Mad Men Spin-Off Idea #1: Crane attempts his famous proposition on a young Sigourney Weaver. Weaver proceeds to kick Crane in the nuts. Ridley Scott, so impressed with Weaver’s moxy, casts her in a sci-fi film called Alien. A flashback shows Crane’s mother didn’t love him very much. While vacationing on Amity Island, Crane is eaten by a Great White Shark.

5. An unintentional and well-timed pause of my TV’s DVR revealed to me Pete Campbell’s spirit animal.

Pete Campbell

Despite your attempts at rehabilitation, to me, Pete Campbell, you will always look like this. Who’s going to win the World Series this year? You are Pete. You are.

Mad Men Spin-Off Idea #2: Pete and Trudy are jetting off to Paris when engine troubles plague their Learjet. Miraculously a flying man in blue tights and a red cape that looks suspiciously like the actor Christopher Reeve saves them from a crash landing. Also, Pete wins the World Series. Not really, but he and his new friend Pete Rose make a friendly wager on the 1974 Fall Classic. The wager turns out well for Pete Campbell, not so well for Pete Rose.

6. Stan and Peggy OMG! OMG! OMG! Where are my pencils and Trapper Keeper? I must doodle some hearts.

7. Joan Alone: When Mad Men began it was Peggy Olson who was driven solely on career advancement, while Joan Harris was raising Roger Sterling’s blood pressure to new and dangerous levels. In the end, Peggy fell into a bowl of Super Stan’s Soup (much tastier than Pete Campbell’s Soup) and Joan is alone. After romping with the silver fox, playing housewife to an overly zealous GI Joe, being offered the enticing proposal of playing Bob Benson’s eternal beard and then ultimately rejecting a lifetime of paradise with strings attached (no marriage! no work!), Joan just can’t find the perfect man. She certainly won’t find him at McCann. Alas, there is still time.

Mad Men Spin-Off Idea #3: Joan becomes an executive producer on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. “How will you make it on your own?…You might just make it after all.” That one’s actually gold. Matthew Weiner, give me a call. We’ll work out the details.

8. I suppose I must be thankful I’ve never dreamed I was a bottle of Heinz 57 staring out from a lonely refrigerator into an inviting kitchen. I’m a few cards shy of a full deck and even I know Freud would have had a field day with that one.

9. If you are going to have an emotional breakdown in front of the group of strangers circled around you, you definitely want this guy involved.

10. In today’s ultra-violent television landscape (The Walking Dead, I’m glancing in your general direction) isn’t it nice to know that a show can run seven seasons with the most gruesome things to happen are an unfortunate hunting accident and a gross misuse of a riding lawnmower oh and the re-gifting of a nipple.

11. Mad Men Spin-Off Idea #4: While hitchhiking his way back to New York, a simple act of littering will lead Don Draper to write a PSA featuring a weeping Native American, and he’ll invent a neat little jingle while munching on an Oscar Meyer wiener. Despite living in separate countries (Roger has moved with his new wife to Canada) Don and Roger Sterling stay in constant contact through Transcendental Meditation. Also a flashback revels in his younger days Dick Whitman was once considered for the role of the Marlboro Man, but he turned it down because he was uneasy about the way he looked in a cowboy hat.

12. Bob Benson, I will miss you the most of all.

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